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Word Gems exploring self-realization, sacred personhood, and full humanity
Editor's Essay The Holodeck Worlds the Kama Sutra, part 2
If men and women act according to each other's liking, their love for each other will not be lessened, even in one hundred years. Kama Sutra
In part 1 we discussed how couples can augment their intimacy by explicitly informing each other as to exactly what they want during physical love. But this is not the only hidden information they might desire. In the “seven levels of marriage” writing, we stated this:
malicious entente K. The real person is going to come out of hiding very quickly [after the wedding], masks will slip, just as soon as negotiations, official well-wishes, and photographs are finished. 'intense conversations' K. Think of it as a kind of Senate confirmation hearing. You want to know the details of how the candidate thinks before you let him have power over you. Can you really trust him? - this is the big question. 02.12.25. “Senator Bill Cassidy (R-LA), a doctor who previously said he was ‘struggling’ with the nomination, announced he would support RFK Jr [for Secretary of HHS] after ‘intense conversations’ with the Cabinet pick…” K. "Intense conversations." That's exactly what we're talking about. Every pre-nup couple should want to know the inner workings of the mind of a prospective mate. Hold the bubbly and the confetti. There'll be plenty of time later for roll-out-the barrel if we pass muster on security clearances. E. And yet, for John and Mary, usually, it’s all backwards – we want the dessert and ticker-tape parade first. In the history of the world, verified by the experience of billions of couples, if that's all you have, the story never ends optimally.
If a pre-nup couple is wise, during the engagement period, and even before, they will enter into “intense conversations” to uncover the real person in the prospective mate. signing the contract under false pretenses is fraud Our culture, so often, is very unwise in this regard. Instead, pre-nup dating becomes a time of sweet deception, “putting the best foot forward,” role-playing someone you’re not, so as to beguile the other into signing the contract under false pretenses. I know a great many couples, and you do, too, who did not entertain “intense conversations,” and then paid a very dear price “the morning after” to discover they married a stranger, someone who did not share their values. And that’s when the real misery starts. Kama Sutra revisited It occurred to me that the Kama Sutra principle of openly stating preferences, of full disclosure, should apply not only to the marriage bed but – and maybe especially – to the preliminary “confirmation hearings.”
baby, you were so bad Much could be said here, but I think you the reader are not in the dark concerning what ought to be done. But here's a sample "intense conversation": “What did you mean when you said [such-and such]?” Now normally during engagement we would turn a blind eye to some untoward comment. John allows it to slide because he’s looking forward to having a bed-partner and doesn’t want to rock the boat. Mary, too, will sweep things under the rug because she wants that “white picket fence” too much. But this is what they should say. “I didn’t really mean anything by it.” “Maybe I shouldn’t bring this up but your comment made me feel uneasy. Now, I could just ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen, but if I did that it would just fester inside. It’s already making me feel that we’re not as alike as we might imagine ourselves to be. And if this isn’t addressed, it could easily grow into something that could separate us. The pre-nup period is the time to investigate any item that feels “not right” when it crosses your internal radar screen. fight, but don't fight dirty There is a wrong way of fighting. Couples "fight dirty" when they bring things up just to hurt or belittle the other. Scars and internal maiming will result, the memory of which might never go away. But there is a good kind of fighting that's required of any couple desiring to build a relationship.
baby, you were so bad those who don't fight the good fight are already dead In fact, a couple that does not engage in this kind of fighting has given up on the relationship, is just marking time, is already dead. It takes energy to fight, to insist on being understood, to insist on straightening things out, and this takes a lot of energy, but the walking-dead couples no longer bother to confront each other, and now just mood-swing between acquiescence and rage. Here’s another example of what needs to be done: “I didn’t like it when you went out with that goon.” “That was a mistake. But, anyway, we weren’t engaged then or even going steady. You hadn’t even told me that you wanted me.” “You’re right. I hadn’t said anything yet. And I should have, but maybe part of me thought that you knew – and I think you did know. There were unspoken things between us, an unspoken understanding, that we mean something to each other. And so when you went out with him it felt like a betrayal.” “I don’t think that’s fair.” you’re not listening to what I’m really saying “I’m trying to tell you that it made me feel really bad. Now, you can play the lawyer and say that technically you had a right to be with him, and I might even have to agree, but you’re not listening to me. I’m trying to tell you that it feels like betrayal, and if I can’t get rid of this poison in my spirit, if I can’t feel that you can be trusted, then I can’t be with you.”
baby, you were so bad
Here’s where the Kama Sutra principle comes in. On an emotional-intellectual level, they should tell each other what they really want, what they really need. If they don’t do this, they’re going to lose each other. “What do you want from me?” “For starters, I want you to listen to what I’m really saying.” “I am listening.” “No, you’re not. You’re quoting from a rule-book about some technicality, and I don’t care about that. If we can’t come to an agreement here, then I don’t see how I can trust you, and then I can’t be with you.” “What do you want from me?” “I want you to tell me what’s really going on with you.” “I already told you… I made a mistake.” “I’m not buying it. That was no mistake.” “Are you saying I’m a liar?” “I’m saying, you’re not being totally honest – especially with yourself.” “I am being honest.” “I think you went out with him because you were angry with me. You were angry because I hadn’t been open about my feelings for you, I hadn’t told you. And so you became frustrated and thought you would punish me by seeing someone else. – Isn’t that right?”
baby, you were so bad court is in session It’s easy to see why pre-nup couples, and even marrieds, avoid these Kama Sutra “intense conversations.” They’re not hearts-and-flowers, they don’t make us feel all warm and fuzzy. They’re very unpleasant. But there are things much more unpleasant. Marrying the wrong person, discovering you’ve married a stranger who doesn’t share your values; enduring a vicious divorce, or, worse, running-the-clock-out, for 50 years, as a handcuffed prisoner in a loveless marriage; or failing to come together with that one person you ought to have been with – now that’s real unpleasantness.
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